A Guide to the Lost Art Of Saying ‘No’
It's time to start saying yes to saying ‘no’.
Why?
"No" is a powerful, beautiful word.
It's a complete sentence that requires zero justification when delivered with confidence (we'll give you tips on how to muster your best "no" below).
Contrary to the popular belief in ‘yessing’ your way to success, embracing ‘no’ opens up certain possibilities that are only available to those brave enough to face the FOMO and say ‘no’ with confidence (and perhaps even a side of sass).
The tide is slowly turning; think cancel culture and quiet quitting. But these trends are only the beginning of what ‘no’ can truly do.
Saying ‘no’ is about living in the awareness of what is possible if you do less.
It's about prioritizing the present moment above the possibilities that lie in the future...because seriously, who really knows what's coming next?
This article is a complete guide to mastering the art of saying "no", from why it can be so hard to say, to common pitfalls based on personality type, and of course how to get better at it!
Why Is It So Hard to Say “No”?
But first...why?
Why is it so hard to turn down offers that you're not interested in, attention that's uncalled for, or requests that just aren't reasonable?
If you're like most people, you've experienced a situation where you overrode your immediate gut response (NO) and went with a half-hearted ‘ok!’ instead. You might even be in the habit of saying ‘yes’ to every event that pops into your inbox or social feeds, only to decline invitations when the time comes to actually show up.
Why do we do this?
Why do we feel guilty for saying no when we truly can’t or don’t want to? You might struggle with delivering a straight-up ‘no’ if you:
Are caught up in being nice (note: not the same as being kind)
Consistently avoid conflict, and worry that saying "no" to someone would trigger trouble
Feel guilty for disappointing others when you possibly could say "yes"
Are somehow dependent on the social approval of the asking party
Fear retribution from damaging the ego of the other person by saying "no"
Have social anxiety and worry about everything all of the time
Place high value on the approval of those around you or consider yourself a people pleaser
Are or have been in a caregiving role that requires you to prioritize others above yourself
Humans are conditioned by the rules of social reciprocity (e.g. I follow your Insta and you follow me back) - and that's not always a bad thing. Problems with saying ‘no’ typically arise when motivation is driven by avoidance rather than a genuine desire to connect. People who find it difficult to lay out a straight up ‘no’ often find self-satisfaction out of reach, living for everyone else before themselves.
Does that sound familiar? Let's take a look at what this means in different situations.
The American Journal of Psychiatry tells us that what we commonly think of as personality can be equated to a set of strategies by which the psyche develops a worldview and relates to self and others.
How to Get Better at Saying ‘No’
So how do we master the art of saying ‘no’? Here are a few essential skills that will help you navigate the complexities of the ‘no’. Self-exploration is a great place to start.
Once you understand your strengths, challenges, and habits, identify your priorities. This will help you understand how to use your time, and support the process of setting goals and personal boundaries that reinforce your priorities.
Actively visualizing how these priorities will manifest your dream life will guide you in making decisions every day that move you in that direction.
Once you are clear on what you want, check in with your body to make sure that your physical communication is aligned with your inner resolve. If your body is in the habit of accepting whatever it is offered, focus your efforts on physical grounding, movement and postural training to deliver your message with greater confidence.
Let's explore how to say ‘no’ using these essential skills, step by step.
Identify Your Non-Negotiables
Some things in life are non-negotiable. Even if you agree with this general concept, it can be almost embarrassing to reflect on how many times in a week you throw your "non-negotiables" out of the window for a special exception. And before you know it, that exception becomes the rule. And then every last thing in your life feels like a negotiation!
Pull out your journal and write responses to these questions:
What things in my life are most important to me?
What are my core values, beliefs, and goals?
What do I need every day to to function at my best?
If you're unsure where to start, some good examples of non-negotiable terms could be:
Fair compensation for your work
Honesty in all of your relationships
Polite and respectful communication
Physical, mental, and emotional well-being
Dedicated daily "me-time"
No screen time two hours after waking up and two hours before bed
Reflect on Why You’re Saying “Yes” In the First Place
How many times have you found yourself trapped in plans that you actually agreed to (or even proposed!) with no way out? If your answer is "all the time!" then it's time for some self-reflection. Why are you saying ‘yes’ in the first place? If you lean toward the people-pleasing side of things, you might find yourself saying ‘yes’ to stay on that tiring hamster wheel. Maybe you say ‘yes’ to meet other's needs before considering your own, and then stick with the plans because you feel guilty about leading them on.
Saying ‘yes’ is not necessarily a bad thing! The problem arises when you say ‘yes’ without really meaning it, and in doing so, agree to focus on what’s important to others, rather than what’s important to you.
If you instinctively say ‘yes’ to anything and everything, take a moment to pause and ask yourself these questions next time an opportunity arises:
Does this project/opportunity/activity truly align with my values, beliefs, and goals?
Will saying yes to this be actually good for my mental, and physical health? Or could it potentially damage it?
Do I really want to do this?
Only say "yes" to those things that make you feel that unmistakable ‘yes!’ feeling!! And don't look back.
Back Your Message with Confident Body Language
Sometimes we say ‘yes’ because deep inside, we lack the self-confidence to face the consequences that come with the powerful ‘no’. ‘Yes’ is easy - go with the flow. ‘No’ is challenging, and proposes an alternative direction (your own).
If you say ‘no’ while focusing on the fear of disappointing others or the uncertainty of what you actually do want, your body will typically communicate your internal dilemma. Your ‘no’ might sound as if you're really asking permission instead of delivering a final verdict.
The result is mixed messaging, which leads to confusion, or worse; people who want to take advantage of you can choose to listen to what your body is saying instead of what you’re actually vocalizing.
Bottom line: The strongest “nos’’ are delivered verbally and physically.
Learning how to use and develop strong body language will support your ‘no’ and get you in boss-form in no time 😎
For starters, become aware of how people generally interpret a shaky ‘no’. Here are a few forms of body language that can confuse or dilute the delivery of your ‘no’:
Eyebrow Flash: this is what our eyebrows do when we widen our eyes or pass someone a flirtatious wink 😉 It's simply raising our eyebrows slightly for half of a second. This communicates interest in what's being proposed. AKA the opposite of poker face... 😐 )
Mirroring: when you mirror the gestures of the person that's in front of you, this indicates a desire to connect🪞 These can be simple gestures, like replicating posture or tone of voice, but they communicate that you are willing to let the other person take the lead.
Head tilt: Like when dogs catch a whiff of the treat you have in your pocket! A head tilt is a clear sign of curiosity, openness and good humor 🤣 The theory behind this is that by tilting our head, we expose the thin skin of our neck to our partner, exposing one of our most vulnerable area. Exposing the neck signals that we're open to receiving anything that's being requested or offered.
Eye contact: this one is straightforward; eyes signal mindful attention and interest! The longer you maintain eye contact with a person, the stronger your message of interest and curiosity is 👀 If you prolong eye contact, you give the other party permission to share their views, and perhaps disagree with the "no" you just delivered.
Chest rotation: Alongside the head tilt, chest rotation (i.e. facing the other party head-on) signals vulnerability because it exposes your most vital organ to the speaker; your heart 🫀 The further you stand apart from the party you're communicating with, though, the less vulnerability you communicate.
Set Personal and Professional Boundaries
Closely related to your non-negotiables, boundaries are critical to our wellbeing. They help us maintain our identity by preserving our precious personal space. Boundaries are those invisible lines that we draw to help us keep a sense of self-respect in all areas of our life, whether that is in relationship with our significant other, with family members, with coworkers, or with the stranger-friends we meet on social media.
Although boundaries are incredibly healthy, most people struggle to set them for three main reasons:
You're unaware of your essential needs
You prioritize others' needs over your own
You're often in crisis-mode and/or are super busy
If this somehow resonates with you, it's time for an update! Here are some tips that will get you started:
Learn to trust and respect your intuition.
We all have that little voice in the back of our head or those gut feelings, that send us a clear signal whenever we sense that something is inexplicably wrong. If you're not tuned to your intuition, you might just ignore these signals, carrying on erratic communication with people that just feel a bit “off” or moving forward with plans that we somehow know aren't going to work out. Sometimes, our rational mind even overrides what our gut is saying.
Learning to carefully listen to the inner voice that says something's wrong and the physical cues that mean discomfort is the first step toward setting boundaries that are truly healthy. You can set boundaries virtually around anything: from emotional energy to time, personal space, sexuality, material possessions, and even ethics... Write them up and stick to them!
Tell everyone about your boundaries!
The second step is to openly communicate your boundaries. At times, even though we clearly know what our boundaries are, we don't really know how to express them because we don't want to sound selfish or rude. Other times, we may just be uncomfortable taking a stand for something that we've always just gone along with in the past. Expressing boundaries can feel like it makes us more vulnerable, but the reality is that the clarity they bring you actually empowers you to make changes that suit you better. It's just a matter of practice!
Do you need some inspiration? Check out these glorious ways to say ‘no’ in every situation.
Find the ‘Yes’ In Your ‘No’ (And Stop Feeling Guilty)
Saying ‘no’ might not feel natural at first. Once you get to know your own habits around saying ‘no’, however, you'll develop your own unique style.. and even enjoy gaining control over your time and choices. The key to getting there is the simple practice of finding the yes in your ‘no’.
Essentially, this means that saying ‘no’ to some things re-affirms your commitment to others. Through mastering the ‘no’, you'll gain personal authority and slowly shed the fear of disappointing people. Those who care will surely understand.
And everyone else?
Don't worry about them.