How to Stop Playing the Victim: Embodying Your Personal Power
Are you playing the victim game?
That constant flow of one-upmanship, where everyone is leap-frogging over one another, competing for the status of the most-wronged. It ends with a perverse fight for the status of ‘survivor’, where one is rewarded above all others for the righteousness of their suffering.
And yet some of us truly are survivors. There are people in this world who have experienced tragic loss, survived violent assault and found themselves in un-imaginable circumstances that they wouldn’t wish upon their worst enemy.
To be clear, ‘playing the victim’ and identifying as a survivor are not the same thing. In fact, the competition for #1 victim status does little to relieve the suffering of survivors (even those who adopt the victim mentality) or restore justice - in fact, it tends to distract from actions that can help. The victim mentality comes in to play when we adopt the identity of a victim in every difficult situation we experience.
The problem with this mindset?
Assigning responsibility to others for circumstances that we have placed ourselves in traps us in a stagnant pattern of thinking. Over time, the role becomes familiar and safe, even if it comes with few perks. The comfort is that if we impose a difficult circumstance upon ourselves, then at least we are at least we are safe from the actions of others.
Playing the victim gets in the way of growing and thriving. Instead, it keeps us swirling in the heavy emotions of the victim mentality, preventing us from seeing a way forward and out.
This self-imposed stance creates a headspace that is so entrenched that most don’t even realize they are telling themselves the victim story.
How do we move away from this mindset and free ourselves of self-suffering? Read on to find out.
4 Powerful Tips To Start Creating A Life Undefined By The Victim
We are ‘playing the victim’ when we tell ourselves that we are owed, that our behavior is not our fault, or that we deserve sympathy for whatever circumstance we find ourselves in.
Grab yourself a mental pickax and shovel, we’re about to go mind-mining. Let’s dig out some of those unhelpful victim nuggets and throw them to into the smelter. Try practicing these powerful tips to help rid yourself of a victim mentality.
1. Recognize The Benefits Of A Victim Mentality
There is a reason people employ the victim stance and that’s because it comes with a few clear benefits:
You always feel you’re right. When you play the victim, it often places the perceived perpetrator in the wrong, not taking any responsibility for the role you played in whatever circumstance you now find yourself in.
You gain attention and validation. We all can identify with being wronged, making it easier for others to feel empathic towards your feelings of hurt. They are generally happy to offer you some form of comfort. And, of course, this feels good; it temporarily takes away some of the anguish and lets us sit in a little self-pity.
Playing the victim is a safe option. Acting the victim is a good reason not to change, a fearful cover-up for the unknown. When feeling like a victim, you don’t have to take risks and it’s safe and eliminates perceived rejection and failure.
Simply recognizing the above creates a new level of self-awareness making it easier to distance yourself from the victim. And this is the first step to changing the way you see yourself and your life. It’s a choice you must make to see everything through a different lens, a new way to look at things that will lead you away from self-suffering.
2. Practice Gratitude
A study published in 2013 concluded that the regular practice of gratitude is an effective psychological intervention strategy that can be implemented in a person’s life to better their overall wellbeing.¹
Practicing gratitude has countless benefits. It supports healthy relationships, improves physical and psychological health, enhances empathy, reduces aggression, allows for better sleep, improves self-esteem, and increases mental strength.
The study outlines a number of techniques and self-strategies that help change a person’s outlook on themselves and other people cultivating stronger feelings of interpersonal connection and overall happiness. Here are a few tips:
Recognize how lucky your are. Well, whenever I feel like I’m having a hard time of it, I like to remind myself of how worse off other people are around the world. I think about how lucky I am to be born in a western country. I could easily have been born into an impoverished country with little food and terrible living conditions. I think about how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, and a warm bed to sleep in tonight. I could easily be homeless on the streets, facing cold winter nights and begging for my next meal.
Reflect on recent highlights. I also like to reflect on any good things that have happened to me recently and focus on them rather than the bad things that have occurred. Bad circumstances are a fleeting moment in our lives, they come and go just like anything else. You can choose to let them pass and move on to bigger and better things…or you can choose to hang onto them, ruminate on how they’ve destroyed your life, and let them define you.
View challenging events from a new perspective. If something unexpected has happened, I try to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. But beware, holding onto this mentality means that these pains will stay with you for a very long time, ultimately making the suffering so much worse.
3. Allow Yourself To Forgive
Forgiveness is powerful medicine. Seriously.
A 2006 study published in the Journal of Psychology found that the practice of “skills-based forgiveness training may prove effective in reducing anger as a coping style, reducing perceived stress and physical health symptoms, and thereby may help reduce the amount of strain we place upon our cardiovascular and immune systems.” ²
Another study published in 2019 by the American Psychological Association found that carrying anger into our old age is correlated with higher levels of chronic illness and increased inflammation indicators within the body. ³
So do you actually let go of grudges, overcome animosity and allow room for forgiveness?
View forgiveness as an opportunity to grow. Don’t view forgiveness as something you should do. Instead, see forgiveness as an opportunity to practice self-growth.
Recognize that hurt people, hurt people. More often than not, people hurt others simply because of their own suffering. Recognize that other people are also hurting and simply aren’t aware of how to deal with their pain.
Allow yourself to feel compassion. It’s likely that the person who violated your trust has been wronged themselves and are trying to work through it. It’s just unfortunate you were a part of that healing process.
Ultimately, that’s all it really is. And even if you can’t find a reason to forgive them, then forgive them for yourself. Holding onto resentment and feelings of hate does nothing to quell your suffering, it only prolongs it.
4. Be Gentle On Yourself
Breaking free from the victim mentality involves facing yourself, your ego, and your identity - and this is perhaps one of the hardest things to do. It’s likely that you developed this mentality as a defense mechanism over a long period of time.
At the end of the day, though, it’s all about being gentle with yourself. A victim mentality isn’t easy to live with, there’s a lot of anguish involved. Recognize that the sooner you can rid yourself of this, the sooner you can be free to start creating a life that isn’t defined by suffering.
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Emmons, Robert A., and Robin Stern. “Gratitude as a Psychotherapeutic Intervention.” Journal of Clinical Psychology 69, no. 8 (June 17, 2013): 846–55. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22020.
Harris, Alex H. S., Frederic Luskin, Sonya B. Norman, Sam Standard, Jennifer Bruning, Stephanie Evans, and Carl E. Thoresen. “Effects of a Group Forgiveness Intervention on Forgiveness, Perceived Stress, and Trait-Anger.” Journal of Clinical Psychology 62, no. 6 (January 1, 2006): 715–33. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20264.
Barlow, Meaghan, Carsten Wrosch, Jean-Philippe Gouin, and Ute Kunzmann. “Is Anger, but Not Sadness, Associated with Chronic Inflammation and Illness in Older Adulthood?” Psychology and Aging 34, no. 3 (May 1, 2019): 330–40. https://doi.org/10.1037/pag0000348.